DREAMING OF ANGELS

By ~ Ck Ngaihte

THE DREAM.......

            It was the beginning of the high school session of the year 2002. Everything got started from the moment I saw “her”....... and I guess it’s going to last forever.

            I have waited so long, dreamt so long for the change that’s going to come to my life. But i never have guessed that it’s LOVE that’s going to change me. But of course, I have dreamt of the “perfect girl”, it’s just that i don’t ever give a thought of searching for one. Again, I must say I was kind of expecting a miracle, an Angel to appear before my eyes or sort of things we usually dreamt of. Everyone has a dream of who would be the perfect love of his or her life. Well, that’s what I’m going to share to you today.

         

            Like everyone else, I guess, I was waiting, dreaming of the perfect girl, “girl of my dreams”. I don’t know if this dream would ever come true. I don’t know if she’s just a dream and I never if I’d ever reach her realm. I’ve come across many a times when I was like, “This is crazy!!” and at times, I used to try to forget this perfect thing. But we all know the answer to that kind of feelings, it don’t last! So I go on dreaming, not knowing where this dream world would end up.

           

           The crazy thing about my dream is that I don’t know who my dream girl is, nor if she even exist. And because of that dream, I was like living some immaterial life. I must say i was really alive but something remains incomplete. I don’t know why I keep dreaming of my “Perfect girl” while i could have all the fun I could have being such a good boy. Funny as it may seem, I must tell you what I dreamt of. She would be darked eyed, rather rounded face, smooth and white skin, not too slim but not fat at all. She should be around my height yet not that small because a girl taller than 5’9” would rather look awkward in this place. Although I’ve never seen the perfect match of what I can describe, I believe she would exist. I can picture what she might look like yet find it hard to compare to others or express how she would look like... It’s like I’m “Dreaming of Angels”.

            If someone asked me what personalities I would like in my Dream girl, I’d be glad to tell them that I would die for a girl who is confident and a bit proud yet not arrogant and over proud, an open-minded but not that boastful or loose tongue and who would be cheerful and adorable at the same time. Oh! Why is it so hard to tell!!... And I must admit that I was a bit dramatic or I don’t know what I should call this. I believe in silly matters such as similarities of names. Superstitious, you might say but I guess we all are. We love to believe that we are going to be lucky or of the sort. Now, in my case, I have the silly notion that my dream girl would have a name that would match to mine. My name contains eight different letters viz. a, c, g, h, i, k, m and n, of which I’m most fond of the letters ‘c’ and ‘k’. And my belief was that my “Dream Girl”, whom I would be destined to, would have at least one or two of these letters as the beginning of a syllable or words in her name. I know it’s absurd, but I can’t help believing it.

            But the irony fact is that I don’t know if I’d ever find such a person. Will such a person even exist? Even if she does exist, the problem is- Will I ever meet her? Will we ever come together? That’s like a one in a million chance and as far as I know, I ain’t that lucky.

            I do believe in fate but I’m kind of losing faith and I keep wondering if I have to wait forever. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a wild goose chase. Really, I was losing my grip and you know, it’s really hard to consider ourselves being on the save side while we don’t know nor have any say in this turning fate wheels. Anyway, I just keep pushing making myself that a day will come when the sun will rise in my favor and when the bird will sing just for me.

 THE ANGEL

            And so it was........

The month of February. If I could have choose any time in a year, it would be December. I don’t really think i have to give any reason for choosing December ‘cuz we all know how it’s like. Well, it was on the month of February and the very beginning of the first weekdays of school when i first caught a glimpse of her. I look again rather unsure if my eyes are deceiving me. I would have believed if someone told me that I’m just being bedazzled by some mysterious force or if they told me that it was a fairy that I just gazed upon. Anyway, I couldn’t find words to describe how she looked like. She was so beautiful, elegant and of course, she is an Angel. It’s like a way of the gods boasting by creating such a beautiful girl. I don’t know anything about her, not even her name but something in me tells me that I’ve found what I’m dreaming of. I really want to accept that feeling yet I know nothing of her. How could she be? She’s an “Angel” and look at me, I’m nowhere near there. But I secretly pray that she be the one who makes my life complete. I think I love her.

            She is the perfect combination of what i described as what my “Dream Girl” would be like. No, she’s too perfect!! She has the perfect configurations of everything I could imagine. I don’t know how to describe it a better way. Now, the moment I saw her, I feel something stirring in me, it’s like something inside me is trying to break free. It’s the first time I ever feel like this and I don’t know any way around to describe it a better way. My heart is burning ant it feels like I’m having a heart attack, however I doubt if heart attack fells that good. Who can explain such bliss felt all over your body! Who would understand all the cells of your body coming to life at the same time!! It was still morning and no way hot this time of year but I feel like perspiring all over my body. I feel happy, overjoyed was more like it, at the same time sad. I feel hot and cold at the same time and my body started to shake. I push a smile but I feel like crying all the more. It’s like I’m entrapped in some kind of emotional bliss or some kind of Technicolor dream. I wonder what kind of magic could ever do this to a person.

            As I began my quest of knowing her, I found out that she is a girl living next to our locality. That near? And I never even happen to see her before? She’s never been abroad or something like that? Unbelievable!! Now, I think it’s kind of funny how fate plays with my life. She’s been studying in this high school since kindergarten. And whence, I once studied in this same school, she just happened to study elsewhere that very same year. And then, here we finally happen to come together in this same institution.

Happy ending? Not yet! The best is yet to come.

           If only we had been together like this before, I could have known her completely and maybe things might have turn out differently.

THE FLIPSIDE

            And so, the journey to the wilderness began. Although I was dreaming of something, actually “dreaming of Angels”, when I finally found one, i really don’t know what to do. My life seems to turn upside down. I was known of my jolly, good, funny, active behavior until she came to picture. I never felt so weak and bad. It feels like I’m falling and I kind of lose confidence. I become shy and nervous as I feel like being watched by her or something. So I become moody, dreamy and kind of scared of something Lord knows what! I just can’t meet her eyes or around her even if that be what i wanted most. I have no problem talking to anyone before but to talk to her?? ...no way! I know I would end up stammering, lost for words and end up looking stupid if I talk to her. I know i want to talk to her, make friends with her and i would give anything just to make her smile. I know it’s a teen age thing to be head over heels in love so I hope that the changing season might take away this feeling. But undoubtedly, this feeling I had for her never changed. It even got worse as I began to know more of her. I found out that her name contains the letters “c” and “k” as the beginning of two parts of her name. Oh my God!!

            I don’t know if that was the ray of hope that makes me believe that we were destined together or was it that I consider myself so close to her that I ignorantly believe that she could be mine. I know it’s crazy to believe in things like that but I don’t know how to turn my back from this feeling. I keep dreaming of her, she would smile at me and say something stupid like......you know! Oh Dreamer!!

            I don’t really know what I really got myself into. From the moment I saw her till when, I don’t really know. Although she don’t seemed to need anything, fear anything or ever feel sad I just want to make her happy, make her laugh, protect her, give her wings and all. I want to be by her side, watch her smile, wipe away her tears, drive away her fears and I would do anything for her. But all I can do is watch her from a distance, hear her voice alone among the noise and the crowd, and watch her glorious smiles, her dazzling moves and capturing them in my mind. At least, I breathe the same air and bathe under the same sun like her and for everything else; we don’t have anything in common. Oh! How i wished she know me, love me and set me free! What can I do?......

            One of my weakness, I must say is that I’m not very good around girls and making friends with them. I find it hard to talk to them ‘cuz I’m shy. All I can do is tease them, making fun of them and sort of. So, to talk to her or her friends is out of the question. I just have to take my time and wait for someday when I would be man enough to talk to her meanwhile all I do best is dream of her. Sometimes, I’m so pre-occupied with thoughts of her that I feel like crying. Some other time I’d pray to God to make us come together or maybe He could make a way for us. Prayer ain’t much help ’cuz we’ve never known each other. I don’t exist in her perfect world while she was like the whole world to me. Stupid things I have given a thought includes witch crafting and some other superstitions or belief. But I’m not that selfish and not that evil to make things go my way whatever ways. But then I asked myself again “could this be love if I try to take something from her instead of giving myself to her?”. Wait a minute, I found out, I truly love her. And it’s amazing how things turned out the moment I declared that I love her. It’s like I find relief and peace, the kind we felt after making a confession.

            So I tried to turn a new leaf, lead a new life, change myself and start afresh “all for her”. From that day on, I started to feel life as an exciting and adventurous journey. I encourage myself and began to look on the positive side of this puzzle. So I thought of telling how I feel about her. But I just don’t know how I can do that even if I dare try. I don’t have any idea and at the same time afraid to consult anyone but God. Besides, I know it will be real embarrassing if somebody knows that someone like me try to think that she could be mine. Oh Heavens! What should I do?.........

            As not being familiar to let someone know that we admire her, I’ve never knew that making friends first with her or asking for her photograph or telling her that I star (*) her would be the first step to get closer to her. Poor me! I should’ve asked somebody!

            So this is what I do and the most I dare and the only way I know. I began to write a letter. It took me about a week or so to finally complete my first letter. And this routine of late night letter writing and this state of solitude got me started with song writing. It did help me loosen my burden but not really the right solution, I guess. And till today, I keep writing songs as to console myself and comfort me of my sadness and loneliness. Besides, it’s always nice to read our own thoughts written years ago. At that time, I could never write any merry love song or the lively sort. Even when I started to write a jolly, funny, merry song, it would end up being a melancholic poem or song.

            Now, I must have been carrying the letter for quite a while that it needs a new cover by the time I finally dare to give it to her. I was fighting myself over and over whether this would look silly or this is what I should do no matter what. I know it’s stupid for someone to blindly declare to someone, who doesn’t even know we exist, that he loves her. But I also think that if I don’t tell her how I feel about her, what good does it do? What harm can possibly come to me if I just tell her how I feel? What would I lose? My honor and pride? Am I too scared to be humiliated?

            After a lot of thinking or was it that I feel myself so close to her, i push myself to give the letter to her strengthening myself with the words from the good book, that says,

                        “Love with fear is not true love, for true love has no fear.......”

            Ironically, I don’t get any reply....................

            That mean absolutely BAD!! I should’ve kept a copy of that letter on which I give so much effort! Just kidding!! How do I feel about that? Well, it’s the exact to what you must expect if you were in my position. How would you feel?

            Unhopefully, I was not feeling that bad at first. I tell myself that it’s the right thing to do, to tell her how I feel about her. Now that i told her everything, I must be faithful to my words, stand my ground. The only thing I regret is asking for her love in return. Actually it’s more like praying or begging. How stupid of me to do that! Now and again, I keep fighting myself all over again. Sometimes, part of me think its brave, manly and the right thing to do and for the rest of the time, I feel bad, distress and miserable. I began to feel lost again, sad and lonely again. I don’t know what to do, what to believe and where to run. I wonder what people would do if they were as stupid as I was. I doubt myself, lose confidence and feel heavily burdened. Now I think I know where those sad melancholic songs come from --- broken hearts.

            I find it hard to move on, forget the past thing. Some might say “she’s not the only girl” or something like that but to me she still is the only one. Maybe I’m really stupid to keep believing, maybe I’m already going crazy. Whatever! This lovelorn is getting me nowhere. I get stuck in the middle of nowhere and it looks like I’m going to stay there for a while. Though months and months have passed since I gave her that letter, I can’t free myself from the chains I’m on. Sometimes I ask myself “am I going in too deep?” or “should I try to get over this love?”...

           Even if I should try to get over it, what could I possibly do? What could possibly help me? Alcohol and other drugs? No way! I’m young and strong, I can do anything, fight anything. But why should I try to get over with this? If my love is true, why should I regret giving it to somebody? I’ve not wasted love by loving myself but used it to love someone.

            “Truly, there is one true love in one’s life”

THEN

            After a long time, even till the time I write this down, I can’t really fell love anymore. Neither did I search for it nor do I welcome any kind of love and those old stuffs. You can bet that I don’t feel that good even though i can’t help myself.

            I often feel the violent beating of my heart, the rush of my blood through my veins with someone I admire especially when we happened to get so close together. But I don’t call those emotions as love. Often I’d want to hold someone, look into those big brown eyes, kiss those juicy looking lips and often want to swear to do anything for the pleasure she could give me, but that ain’t love! It’s more like desire or even lust. I often enjoy the company of some girls, their conversation brilliant and their intelligence extra-ordinary and their likes and dislikes similar to mine and matching, but those, I can’t call that love, I’d rather called it admiration. I don’t know why I think this way but at times I too doubt myself. Am I the one who don’t know love, how to love or is it that I just can’t find love anymore?.....

            I really am not escalating when I say those things. I don’t mean to be proud or prudent or being a smart ass. It’s just that I feel like as if I can’t feel love anymore or as if I lost my faith in everything. Besides, I don’t really love them and don’t want to fool myself and my heart.

            Of course, I can pretend to girls like I love them and enjoy all those rides. But I don’t think I have the guts and don’t feel right when it comes to God and my conscience.

            I wonder if I’m giving too much thought on love that I don’t consider all these relationships stuffs any forms of life and why I find it so hard to pretend.

            It’s impossible to look into someone’s eye and lie

            It’s hard to talk about feelings when they aren’t really there

            It’s hard to make promises which we don’t mean to keep.

            Now it may be okay to put up with my ideal life of restraint through the year but not on occasions like Christmas, concerts and night gatherings and stuffs. If I’m lucky, I’ll find a loser like me who don’t drink and doesn’t do stuffs. At least I have someone to talk to and someone to stroll around with and get-by the night. But such loser friends are rather rare and they often prefer to stay home at night.

            At times like these, I often thought of starting a party life-drinking and stuffs and maybe even find myself a girl. But no, I just couldn’t do it!

            What’s wrong with me?

            Maybe I’m a coward?

            Maybe I’m an idiot?

            Maybe I think the pain of me being broken hearted is awful enough without getting myself another headache. Moreover good boy as I am, I just think it’s cheap to befriend and maybe get dirty with party girls. Maybe that’s why good guys never get the good girls! Eh?

            I’m sorry for those girls who love me and who told me that they could be mine. I’m sorry not because I can’t love them but because of their pitiful situation. Someone might take those chances to spoil her and leave her behind like many girls of town. Girls are, therefore, like throwing a dice for their love life. If her man turns out to be unfaithful, it’s the end of their life and their dreams. On the other hand, if her man turns to be true, it’s her dream come true. But sadly, things usually turned out bad in this game.

            The problem with man is that he can be very good looking, have polite manners and carries himself smart and manly while he is like a wolf wearing a sheep’s skin. The more the man is dirty inside, the more sweet his words. But not all men are like this, I just want to say that girls must know their man before they plunge deep.

            And that is why I said I’d like girls to be a bit proud and confident but not arrogant and boastful. But I heard bad boys too like this!. Oh God!!

            Of course I’m not denying girls for all. I know I will have to marry someone, someday, somehow, someway, somewhere. And I know for sure that my dream girl wouldn’t be the one. And I’m not afraid to marry without love because LOVE ain’t no big deal anymore in this world and many a couple or maybe most couple aren’t necessarily married all out of love. Besides, a lot of people never even fall in love in their lifetime and I’m not the only broken soul on earth. I wonder if I’d ever fall in love again!

            Many strayed from this true love because of the price they have to pay and not many are strong enough. I don’t know if I will be the same. Will I ever find my soul mate? Would I ever fall in love again? Even if I would, will it ever be this big? I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to be in love, to sacrifice?...

            Something in me tells me ‘to stop this madness called love and start to get by and adjust with this life. No one live both lives just as no one can serve two gods. But I don’t really know what to do with me. With time and luck, I will forget everything about this, I hope!

            Maybe time did its magic and I began to think a lot about myself and not her. Sometimes, I wonder and ask myself “am I still holding on to this meaningless love? Or am I starting to live my life without love? Or still am I in between?” But I don’t suppose there’s any in-between.

            Anyway, life goes on.....

          And I started to change my attitude towards love and life. But that might be because of the fact that our world goes apart day after day. The days are boring and the night dragging and lonely but somehow I think I’ve found peace and I began to start afresh being given the chance to.

            And so, a new life began again!!!....

I have friends, love and poetry. I have hopes, dreams and plans. I might not have everything but I do have everything I need to get by this life and guess what? I’m happy!!!

HAPPY ENDING????? Oh no!!

                                    FOUR YEARS LATER!!

            Now and again, every step i have taken to forget her seems nothing to measure the feeling I love and hate coming back to me.

                        What?                         Why?               How?

            It’s because our path seems to cross each other again! I heard that she was off to some foreign land but now, she’s here! Those times when i was so hypnotized by her, she ain’t even this close to me. She was across the room of our classroom and there was a wall between us and it was only for a while when I got to caught a sight of her. But now, she’s in the same classroom with me and its going to be a long year of school!!!

            We now see each other each passing day and hour during school hours and like it or not, we even talk to each other sometimes. I don’t know how to describe this feeling of pain and pleasure, of sadness and laughter felt together at the same time. Am i happy? No and Yes. Am I sad No and Yes!

            She remains the same, the very same person to whom I poured my heart out several years ago who is so elegant and beautiful. Her glorious smiles, her silly yet comforting laugh, those eyes, those gaits, those attitudes!! I hate it but it’s all coming back to me. I thought i had forgotten all about her but why do i feel like this over again. And some way, I even found out that she has a handsome richie boyfriend and right as she deserves, he is a star with a car. But what troubles me is not about her, it’s about me!!           

            I began to fight between myself, asking myself questions whose answers I already know. I know for sure she ain’t gonna be mine, ever! But what I don’t understand is-

            If I am not meant to be with her,

            If I am not to be with my ‘Dream Girl’ WHY?

Why the hell did God put me in this place again??!!!

Haven’t I suffered enough to last a lifetime?

Haven’t I learned enough for myself and maybe others??

            WHY GOD WHY!!??????\

THE END!!!!..........

©Siamsinna leh Vakiangbu