IF ONLY

By ~ Olivia Julyanne Ngaihte

Writer’s Note : Hiai story real-life incident a ka based ahi a. I attitude towards affected/people living with HIV/AIDS ngaihtuah thak le, amau adia a natna gu sang a nazaw leh thuak haksa zaw ahi diam? Panpih theihlou ihihleh leng lunglel sak a, lungke sak tu hilou ding in aw..

It was one of the most fateful morning the town witnessed. The misty fog instantly blanketed the highways and there were less pedestrians to move about the streets. The phone rang almost off the hook, when one of the Crisis Response Team of an NGO member received a call from an unregistered number informing about an overdose at the heart of the town and that an immediate response is called for.

After much detailed information was gathered, a team of Crisis Response Team rushed immediately to respond the incident at the spot. On reaching the place, they found a helpless young girl in bed, unconscious with a pale dark lips. Just a glance of this young girl’s body could tell a million stories of what would have caused her to such a terrible condition. And the saddest part of the scene was that she didn’t chose to be like she was then, and young as she was her dreams are big. Her father, who attended her, look down; disheartened and consumed with sadness sat in the corner as his tears slowly made their way down the wrinkled cheek.Without wasting time any further, the girl was given a vial of Naloxone and after a lapse of 15mins, the girl came into consciousness while her father face began to brighten up as he watch his daughter coming to life once more. And he started sharing the nightmare they went through the earlier days.

James, a handsome young man from a poor family and a beautiful lady in blossom,Lucy who hailed from a wealthy man of the town met eachother in their tender age and fell head over heel in love at first sight. Their parents, being a conservative elder of the society tried to keep a distance between the two love birds. However, the restrictions their parents have on the duo seemed to have made the bond stronger between them which made the two meet secretly. Carrying their relationship forward for about a year or so, Lucy conceived a baby in her womb which drive James into sheer excitement to take her hand in marriage. They both were in their mid twenties then, and Lucy thought its about time for a lady to get married so her parents may agree to her marrying the father of the child she carry. However, fate has it that Lucy’s parents took a stern objection and would never allow themselves to approve the marriage of their daughter to a hopeless pauper like James. Instead they demanded a huge amount of money beyond James possession. And poor James, being pushed against the wall and unable to pay the demanded amount had no choice but to contain his mixed emotions of anger and love so he hold onto his very calm watching his dreams with marrying Lucy fade like the setting sun taking the daylight out of his life.

Meanwhile, Lucy,on her parent’s word, left the town with the baby she conceive,and set her reluctant feet to journeying the path of a totally different world. It was one of the worst thing that could ever happen to a lady with great big dreams, who has now been over laden with the burden of becoming the mother of a fatherless child not to speak of the chances they missed to even say goodbye.

And as time passed by, they lost contact of each other. As the hope of finding Lucy is lost, James, on his parent’s word got married to a women from his town. On the other hand, Lucy delivered a baby girl and named her Iris. While she thought she would take care of this baby and give her the love and happiness she was deprived of in her youth, poor Lucy, her health did not allow her to even take care of her own needs. As her health deteriorate, she went to a small clinic for check up. And this lady doctor who seemingly understood the heartbreaking messages on Lucy’s face advised her to test for HIV. Hesitant and feeling uneasy, Lucy was finally persuaded for the test and to her extreme astonishment.. the result respond reactive for HIV. That very moment, Lucy’s tears of agony mare their way down her cold cheek and she wish it was all but a dream.But fate has this whole tragedic story written for her and she could not do a thing to unreal the spell of this horrible curse. The long walk home from the clinic was not easy, the more she walked the miles away, the closer she was from home would mean the harder it will be to see the innocent look of her baby. To her, being an HIV+ would not mean a certain death, but the fact that being an HIV+ affected mother would deprived her of taking care of her baby till she become a full grown to fend for herself. The very thought of the dark road her daughter has to venture along hurt her like a stab in the heart; bit by bit tearing her apart. To add to her heaven burden, her family disowned her, neighbours started avoiding her company.

There was no one for Lucy except for the little girl who sat comfortably on her lap..not aware of the world outside. Counselling, care and support facilities were far out of reach and she had to face the cruelties of life on her own. Her little girl was rejected, barred and scornfully mocked at by her friends and the worst, the stigmatization and discrimination beyond her undestanding welled up in her daily life. Parents restricted their children to play with Iris. The sight of the miserable life her innocent daughter led made her wept bitterly in the corner of the dark room.

In the year 2007, Lucy’s health started to deteriorate again. This time, she couldn’t make it she whispered,’ If only.. If only life had been more fair to me and my girl. If only I dont have to leave my baby..she still need me, she need somebody to hold her hand when the crowd embarassed her.. If only people know how hard it is to live the life I led…’saying this, she breathe her last with a tear in her eyes..leaving aside her little girl to fend for herself, to face the cruelness of life alone. Iris was 13 then, life had been a lot easier, much more better when she was a kid,young and tender, not knowing the dark realities of her life. Now that she is quite old to understand everything, she started questioning God, ‘why me!? What have I done?!’ and she even curse the day she was born. She went to her maternal house to stay and was treated like an animal there.

But yes, time passed by, in the year 2001, Iris was told the whereabouts of her father. She could suddenly feel her heart beat racing with joy and for the first time since her mother’s death, she could feel her lips widened with a real smile.

A new light has dawned and she was full of hope that she would live a normal life like any other children,now that she have a daddy to cling onto. James, on the other hand, learned the whole story from an old friend and approached Lucy’s parents so he can take Iris along with him. However the family would never agree to his plea, instead they demanded him a huge amount of money if he wish to take his daughter with him. Unable to pay, he gave a note of his address to Iris and left with despair.

Three successive months had gone by, Iris came herself to stay with her Dad. On seeing his daughter coming home, he shed a happy tear and welcomed her with a wide open arm. But his wife was not very happy of Iris coming to stay with them and she started doing things countering the welfare of Iris. Much to the opposite of her expectation, Iris spent every waking hours of the day in tears. Still then, she wouldn’t allow herself to go back to her maternal house because the life she led was no better than it is now in the presence of her very own father. Everyday of her life is like a tiny windows room, no escape and she could feel her soul suffocating for a breathe of love, care and understanding. She started to develop inferiority complex, her mind, disturbed and she even went to the extreme step of taking her very own life. Under such circumstances, Iris’s safety was the top priority for James, and he was convinced that the fatalistic mindset and suicidal tendency of Iris was due to his wife. So he rented a room in his workplace at a rehabilitation centre for people using drugs. But the place is not very healthy for Iris with the inmates who were hard core drug users in and her life from a nightmare precedes to the reality of battlefield. With much reasons for her pains she couldn’t bring it to herself any better option to end all this curse. ‘if only i don’t have to do this, i only i have the chance, If only they don’t reject me.. God, forgive me but i have no choice’ she whispered.. And took 10tablets of a drug. James weary eyes made their ways to his daughte’s helpless body lying in bed. ‘There is nothing to live for… If only’, he wept.

Life is not easy, we all have our equal share of pains..but we have to sit back and think. Come a little closer to life..to out fellow beings.A little love shown can be a light that encroach upon their world. Can’t we give them the chance to live a normal life like you and i have? Your act of indifference towards them can be that ray of hope that puts sparkle back to their eyes! You can be that miracle they have been praying for, and yes you already are because of the very fact that you are reading this and you care. The world will never precedes to a new level,however developed it is-until and unless every human exploit their very birth rights. And the only solution to the war that we battle with(HIV/AIDS) is to break the walls of stigmatization&discrimination. Getting through the going is tough, yes it is a giant task but together you and I can plant the victory flag when united in love. Then we all can go to bed with more peace, and the world will wake up to a much better and brighter day today.

Thank you everyone for reading. God bless you….

~Olivia.

 ©Siamsinna leh Vakiangbu